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The power of expectations

7/12/2016

For this summer my husband and I decided to really work on our relationship, we are generally fine and we live a good life together, but, like every couple, we also have corners that could be a little bit soften up. As everybody we have to deal with life and life is not always this beautiful fairy tail, is it? However in our home, weather we are in a couple or single or a multitude of people, we can always improve the style we handle things and the way we treat each other, or ourselves. So we picked a couple of books to read/put to practice, mine is ‘The happiness project’ by Gretchen Rubin, and the other is ‘How your unconscious mind rules your behaviour’ by Leonard Mlodinow. Both books are really nice and there are many suggestions we can actually put to practice.
For this particular article though there was something about the second book that really caught my attention, although the subject was familiar and known: we can influence each other’s life by projecting our expectations, we all know and experience it, but this research helped me to find solutions to really put this behaviour to serve me and my life.
“…weather or not we wish to, we communicate our expectations to others, and they often respond by fulfilling those expectations…. and they have expectations of you.” Leonard Mlodinow
The author explains how teacher expectations, for example, changed the IQ test of their students, the students took all the IQ test at one given moment and the results were average. But the teachers had in mind that some students were more intelligent than others. Those who were believed to be more clever (although they were average at the beginning) in a second test scored much better than the others, simply because they were thought to be ‘cleverer’.

We all do expect certain outcomes from certain people. As matter of fact in those periods in which I believe my husband is great, he really surprise me in many ways; on the contrary when I doubt that he can’t simply do anything right, he fails even to load the dishwasher… I know it and he knows it, so, why shall we carry on doubting about one another and make our lives less than great? Good question!
Here are some practical tools I decided to use in my life in order to change this non sense:

What are you grateful for: Every night before sleeping I ask this question to my husband or myself (when I am on a trip), and the goal is to find at least 3 things/people to be grateful for.
What was my best quality: that’s the second question, I ask him what made him proud of myself (again you can do it with yourself if your partner is not there).

NB this routine goes together with the Self Care, I found it really nice to feel in the body the gratitude and the proudness.
In a few days this routine proved to be really efficient and to give immediate results in therms of welcoming life with gratitude and to do your best in what you are busy with. Look at yourself as if you were a toddler learning how to walk: would you tell yourself “you are never going to walk, just give up” or you would think “I am really proud of you, little one, I am looking forward to see you running”!?!?!
You will run, one day, but before that you might fall many times, just keep on going, I HAVE FAITH IN YOU!

Love
Gloria

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10 Commandments of Fertility

7/6/2016

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Have faith because I know everything is going to be all right.

In the bottom of my heart I know, it is all going to be ok and I know many women that are now finally embracing their children and that their struggle was really worth it. However when you are in the mist of the process it can be really difficult.
It has been for me, for many years, and for many women who seek my help filled up with hope and good intentions, opened to receive a new treatment and finally being able to really get pregnant and finally birth their dream, becoming mothers at the end of this long and challenging excursion.

Personally I have 2 parts constantly working inside me: do the best you can to make it happen and then completely forget about it. The second part is quite complicated as for most of the women I know the condition of NOT having a child represent a deep, huge, painful emptiness, almost like a deep grief that won't allow you to BE without IT.
It is like perceiving yourself not as a WOMAN but as a NON MOTHER, as if you are missing something, without being able to enjoy the fact that you are an adult and in the meantime you can do whatever you want and that other people with kids can NOT.

Countless time people with kids / the others / talk to you as if you are super lucky as you can have sex in the middle of the kitchen, screaming to the roof, nobody cares, children are not there... Or that they have kind of superpower because they are parents, and you can never really have the idea because you don't know what does it mean. And when you talk about your cat, which is the closest thing to a kid you have, they look at you with a look that to me sounds "how you dare to even talk about your cat, I am talking about MY CHILD", I know, I would like to, I am not in the position to do so!

I would like to share with you some considerations, if you are in the same path, you might find yourself interested in some or all the steps I worked out. If you are not in this path, maybe some friends or relatives of yours are, and this can be interesting to consider other point of views.

Practice Self Care daily and visit an Arvigo Therapist regularly, in this way you can keep your inner healing power really in a good shape, I trust your body and I know that when the Homeostasis is working properly and the 5 flows are running unobstructed you can deal with all your bodily functions in an optimal way. Doing so your Reproductive System can reach an optimal health and therefore enhancing the possibilities of getting pregnant and have an healthy pregnancy.
Eat nice, organic, vibrant, healthy food, with plenty of fruits and veggies; get tested for intolerances, if you eat food that your body cannot really absorb you can develop (in a complicated cascade of events) acidity and eventually inflammation that can lead to fertility challenges; although I asked many times to get tested for gluten intolerance to help my fertility and the answer has been "they are not related", I spoke with many women that, after months of a gluten and refine sugar diet, they magically got pregnant. If the digestive system works better and your intestine can absorb more nutrients I believe it can be a huge difference in your abdomen, including your reproductive system. In any case an healthy gut is always a WORTH-IT matter to think about since it has been related with so many different aspects of your health. A nice book is called "GUT" by Giulia Enders is a nice, easy, fast reading to get a general view of the subject. if you are vegetarian or vegan make sure you have enough nutrients; if you eat meat, it should be really organic. Processed food might contain substances that can mix your hormonal balance up. Chemicals and pesticides are also not super, better to avoid.
Do some exercise, it is known that some exercise every day can improve your health on many levels and can also improve your mood; I recommend walking, stretching, yoga and similar activities. For keeping your womb healthy it is better to avoid running, horse riding or heavy impact activities in the week before the menses. If you visit an Arvigo® practitioner you will get the whole picture and understand why.
Track your cycle, without becoming obsessed, it can be very interesting to explore how your cycle is working. I had my dosage of examinations myself and the most interesting part had been to really understand my hormonal cycle and how my body was working. Practicing the Self Care every day I manage to get my period to be regular and longer than it used to be. Tracking your period might though become obsessive, if so let it go, at least for a while. If you start counting the exact minute you should get in "touch" with your man... maybe it's time to let go. Stress is really not a nice companion!
Do not compare yourself with other women. When you have fertility challenges it is almost automatic that everybody else is pregnant... I was talking to a friend and she told me "it is unbelievable, in this period 3 girlfriends of mine are living in such a crazy moment: one had an abortion, the other is pregnant and the third a miscarriage..." Thing is that we are all connected, yet we are all individuals with a personal path. Your non-pregnancy has nothing to do with their pregnancy. Believe me I had been there many time, I had been crying over a pregnancy news for months, maybe years, until I got heat in my face and I decided that my life is mine and comparing me with other women was just awful and counterproductive. Yet I get the picture, do not blame yourself if you do, it is perfectly human!
Speak out your fears, your anger, your anything. It is not worth it to keep your feeling inside, "water that is not moving stagnates" told me a good friend. We have bodily flows that allow our body to work very well, as stated in the first commandment, in many cultures they say that we also have etheric flows, they take different names, but bottom line you don't want blockages in any level of your being. Whatever you believe in stagnation is not a good thing. Also sounds quite scary, doesn't it?
Don't forget your partner is in this too... And it is not always easy. When we are really committed into getting pregnant, as women, we tent to take it for granted that our partners need to be there for us and do exactly as we say, when we say it. We ask them to drink no alcohol, to not smoke, we ask them to be there for us, perform in certain days (or exactly in a certain time window), and understand that We are doing so much, You are only asked few things, so please just do them!What I am trying to say is that we need to consider the M factor, they are also in the project and they need to be told what is going on in our minds. For some months I realized I was so focused that anything else going on in his life was not to be considered a priority, but since life is clever, he had huge struggles too, most of the time in sync with "my stuff" and therefore I had to be there for him too, then blaming the situation because of the stress. Now that I am way more relaxed everything is easier, not necessarily simpler, but definitely easier to cope with.
Miscarriages are a proper grief, and they need attention and time to heal. If you had a miscarriage you know what I am talking about. We and the society though tent to treat it in a very simplistic way. Probably because so many women have a miscarriage some point in their life, it is almost part of a normality. You got pregnant, so you will have a kid soon. It will be ok. Well yes, but there is a but, which is that you already bonded with that baby, it was your baby, instead he or she is no longer there and it can be terribly painful and heartbreaking. If you had this experience and you need to talk to somebody please contact me, you are not alone in this.
Let go and enjoy. There is no point in living a life waiting for something else to happen. Desiring a child is something so deep that can really transform your life into a mono thematic purpose that occupy all your day, thoughts and cells, nevertheless I wasted so many years struggling with this 'infertility monster' that was almost taking all my life away from me. It helped me achieving many other things in life too, however I could have way more fun and joy, I could have partied more, gone out more, have fun more.
Create a network. This is my key point of self help, I need to know that someone is there for me when I need, sometimes is a practitioner, a counsellor, a family constellation facilitator, sometimes a good friend, thank goodness I have many goddesses around me, what would be my life without my social network? Get some help whenever you need, or help someone, it also works, to get out into yourself and give a big hug to a most wonderful person, the most important in your life: you! At the end if a baby comes a wonderful accomplished woman in a great relationship is the best nest you can ever prepare.

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The power of expectations

10 Commandments of Fertility

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