For this summer my husband and I decided to really work on our relationship, we are generally fine and we live a good life together, but, like every couple, we also have corners that could be a little bit soften up. As everybody we have to deal with life and life is not always this beautiful fairy tail, is it? However in our home, weather we are in a couple or single or a multitude of people, we can always improve the style we handle things and the way we treat each other, or ourselves. So we picked a couple of books to read/put to practice, mine is ‘The happiness project’ by Gretchen Rubin, and the other is ‘How your unconscious mind rules your behaviour’ by Leonard Mlodinow. Both books are really nice and there are many suggestions we can actually put to practice.
For this particular article though there was something about the second book that really caught my attention, although the subject was familiar and known: we can influence each other’s life by projecting our expectations, we all know and experience it, but this research helped me to find solutions to really put this behaviour to serve me and my life.
“…weather or not we wish to, we communicate our expectations to others, and they often respond by fulfilling those expectations…. and they have expectations of you.” Leonard Mlodinow
The author explains how teacher expectations, for example, changed the IQ test of their students, the students took all the IQ test at one given moment and the results were average. But the teachers had in mind that some students were more intelligent than others. Those who were believed to be more clever (although they were average at the beginning) in a second test scored much better than the others, simply because they were thought to be ‘cleverer’.
We all do expect certain outcomes from certain people. As matter of fact in those periods in which I believe my husband is great, he really surprise me in many ways; on the contrary when I doubt that he can’t simply do anything right, he fails even to load the dishwasher… I know it and he knows it, so, why shall we carry on doubting about one another and make our lives less than great? Good question!
Here are some practical tools I decided to use in my life in order to change this non sense:
In a few days this routine proved to be really efficient and to give immediate results in therms of welcoming life with gratitude and to do your best in what you are busy with. Look at yourself as if you were a toddler learning how to walk: would you tell yourself “you are never going to walk, just give up” or you would think “I am really proud of you, little one, I am looking forward to see you running”!?!?!
You will run, one day, but before that you might fall many times, just keep on going, I HAVE FAITH IN YOU!
Have faith because I know everything is going to be all right.
In the bottom of my heart I know, it is all going to be ok and I know many women that are now finally embracing their children and that their struggle was really worth it. However when you are in the mist of the process it can be really difficult.
It has been for me, for many years, and for many women who seek my help filled up with hope and good intentions, opened to receive a new treatment and finally being able to really get pregnant and finally birth their dream, becoming mothers at the end of this long and challenging excursion.
Personally I have 2 parts constantly working inside me: do the best you can to make it happen and then completely forget about it. The second part is quite complicated as for most of the women I know the condition of NOT having a child represent a deep, huge, painful emptiness, almost like a deep grief that won't allow you to BE without IT.
It is like perceiving yourself not as a WOMAN but as a NON MOTHER, as if you are missing something, without being able to enjoy the fact that you are an adult and in the meantime you can do whatever you want and that other people with kids can NOT.
Countless time people with kids / the others / talk to you as if you are super lucky as you can have sex in the middle of the kitchen, screaming to the roof, nobody cares, children are not there... Or that they have kind of superpower because they are parents, and you can never really have the idea because you don't know what does it mean. And when you talk about your cat, which is the closest thing to a kid you have, they look at you with a look that to me sounds "how you dare to even talk about your cat, I am talking about MY CHILD", I know, I would like to, I am not in the position to do so!
I would like to share with you some considerations, if you are in the same path, you might find yourself interested in some or all the steps I worked out. If you are not in this path, maybe some friends or relatives of yours are, and this can be interesting to consider other point of views.
This is a tiny space where I can share some of my thoughts and experiences, enjoy!